Etti-cut: the art of unfriending

 

We've all been there at some point...yep, you know when you're just not feeling the chummy vibes, when sunshine just ain’t sparkling when they're around... or you actually just feel mentally battered and bruised, sapped by the psychic-vampire or out-nerved by your instantaneous rising blood pressure whenever that 'special' someone invades your wired world...

 

Although they're a menace to our digital community it's not their fault entirely. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and the semantic web in general have all contributed to these poor ‘digitally delusionals’ to socially devolve. It's as if the computers are in fact programming these poor souls, allowing their OCD tendencies, FOMO feelings and overall self-obsessiveness to amplify beyond the realm of what would reasonably be tolerated in real time.

I've decided I won't stand for the media megalomaniacs and have been compelled to cull recently. It was one certain individual making a nuisance and has now wrecked it for even the most polite of casual acquaintances engaging in my online world.

This week's post is dedicated to you my ex-friend, un-liked and un-inspired, my posthumous pal. You may well wonder what all the fuss is about? Well here, let me shed some light on the situation for you. Your 14 to 44 odd posts per day of inane announcements about ones’ self, just make me crave some relief from your utterly annoying visual noise. In fact I tried this once and diverted my gaze to the blank beige walls of my office and actually found them more arresting than your 28th post about your new song being released. Yes I did pay attention to your first post and witnessed the flurry of interest and gushy praise from many on-lookers – aw, but hang on you only got 16 likes... gee, that's not nearly enough to placate the size of your ego is it? No! You must have at least 40 likes to think that your endeavours have been commended, and reflect an adequate representation of your sheer talent ...so you'll post and post, and post and post and repost and post again until your lofty genius is appreciated in full!

Someone clever in FB tech-land should create an algorithm for people like you. Imagine a world where you could auto repost until you get your sufficient quota of pat's on the back... Surely that'll save the many callouses you must have endured by physically beating the hyperlink into your phone again and again.

As this scenario mentioned above played out, I withheld my "thumbs up" - instead daydreaming of a GIANT Facebook-styled sculptural thumb performing the approving upward poise as it was being rammed in one of your fragile body parts it may fit so elegantly...

 

 

David Shrigley's giant Thumb's Up

...NUP sorry, no sir’ee. I politely un-followed, in that instance did not even give a thought to open the link and watch the daggy homemade YouTube clip specially made for your track, instead, I quickly moved on to more convincing and entertaining posts such as the top, 50 most ironic sign photographs and the latest quizz - which muppet are you?

 

Then, there you were at it again the next day - and the next - and the next, with more inane repeats of the same idiosyncratic behaviour. So you got lots of likes on a funny link you shared - Ok... it doesn't mean that a few days later we've all forgotten what a riot you were, pilfering someone else’s status update and used it to your advantage... we’ve seen it before and unlike you, haven’t had a lobotomy in the past week, we can instantly tell it’s a rehash of you reliving your glory moment of yesterday’s Facebook highlights.

I gave you chances… too many for my own sanity in fact, I have no other choice but to DELETE! 

I had no idea the amount of pleasure this simple act of unfriending would give me. I am elated, uplifted, on cloud 9, no longer weighed down by your badly framed photos, your penchant for viral videos and lack-lustre taste in music! Free at last!

 

Until...

Within a week you sent me a text message and asked if I'd unfriended you on FB. My immediate thought was - how the hell would you even know I'm no longer propping up your popularity stats unless you make a habit of stalking over my wall to take a voyeuristic gawk at my social pics or pinch a worthy reference for a rainy day.

 

My polite but direct reply still gave you no inkling to ask yourself - maybe you should let go? When I said I had technical problems with FB and 'would look into it 'there was absolutely no intention of fulfilling this promise. I do hope you don’t text again to remind me of my obligations. I hope, but I cannot be sure, can I? Your previous behaviour has kept an uneasy swirling in the pit of my stomach, I am unsure you may be decent enough and have your wits about you to discern the line drawn in the sand, that line between the alpha-numerical asphyxiation and moderated mode.

If you do connect again to probe and pester then I should perhaps show some etiquette, however remember, I have already broken a promise, so all you will likely receive is a hyperlink to this blog post.